Shame and Supervision: How shame is showing up in your coaching practice (Part 1)
“‘The intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging—something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.’ ”
Shame is something that impacts us all. In your work as a coach, it can stop you from sharing what you do, prevent you from being courageous in your questioning and cause you to project ‘your stuff’ both consciously and unconsciously onto your clients.
The thing about the shame is that it doesn’t need to have its roots in your professional life for it to be showing-up in your work, shame that you are holding about your personal life can also be carried over into your professional life.
Shame can be a real game-changer in the world of coaching, and it's not the fun kind of game-changer. Imagine it as this cloud of self-doubt and discomfort that can loom over a coach's head, impacting your coaching game.
In this 2 part series, We’ll break down how this cloud of shame can rain on a coach's parade and what we can do about it.
This is a 2 parter. In this 1st part we’ll address how supervision shows up for us as coaches, how it can impact our coaching practice and how we feel as coaches.
In the 2nd part we’ll look at the ways in which supervision can help.
Shame can significantly impact your work as a coach, your approach, your impact and how you feel. Here are some ways it can show-up:
Reduced Confidence: Coaches who experience shame may suffer from decreased self-confidence. They may doubt their abilities and question their competence, which can hinder their effectiveness in coaching sessions. That reduced confidence means you aren’t being as courageous or challenging with your questions and so impacting the effectiveness of your coaching and the experience of your clients. When shame kicks in, you might start feeling like they're not seeing yourself or your impact as it really is. It messes with their confidence and makes you question your coaching skills. It's like a little voice saying, "Are you sure you're good at this?”.
Inhibited Self-Expression: Shame often comes with a side of self-censorship. You might hold back their thoughts and feelings, worried about being judged. This can make coaching sessions less authentic and personal and limit connection with clients.
Impaired Emotional Availability: Shame can make it challenging for coaches to be emotionally available to clients. As the shame you are experiencing is simultaneously triggering you as you listen and work with your client.
Communication Hurdles: Shame may result in communication challenges for coaches. Shame can turn even the most eloquent coaches into bumbling messes. It might lead to communication issues where coaches struggle to express themselves clearly, misinterpret their clients' needs and emotions and find it hard not to take constructive feedback personally.
Making it all about you: Shame can narrow a coach's ability to remain in curiosity and a mentors ability to bring their best problem solving skills. They may focus on self-blame, inadequacy or self-criticism rather than really being with their clients. It's like getting stuck in a hamster wheel of "I'm not good enough.” and this can manifest both consciously and unconsciously. This can also look like being overly attached to the client’s progress and achievement of their goals.
Ethical Dilemmas: Shame can sometimes lead to ethical dilemmas. Coaches might worry about revealing too much about themselves or not addressing issues related to personal biases and values.
Self-Care Neglect: Coaches might start neglecting their self-care when shame's in town. That's a one-way ticket to burnout and it affects their ability to support clients effectively.
Client Impact: Shame can directly and indirectly impact clients, as it may result in a less effective coaching experience. Clients may sense the coach's emotional turmoil or hesitation, potentially affecting their trust in the coaching relationship. In addition as a coach you might feel triggered by the decisions, success or growth a client is making in their lives which induces you into a shame cycle. This isn’t good for your client or you. This can also look like linking your self-worth as a human to the client’s feedback or attainment of their goals.
Risk of Perpetuating Shame through Transference: Coaches who have unresolved shame issues may inadvertently perpetuate shame in their clients thorough their energy, approach and questioning. It's important for coaches to address their own shame to prevent it from bouncing within the client-coach relationship.
Addressing and managing shame is crucial for coaches. This may involve seeking personal therapy, practicing self-compassion, and engaging in coaching supervision, where you can safely explore and work through shame-related issues. By doing so, you can enhance their emotional well-being, competence, and the quality and health of your coaching practice.
Dealing with shame is no walk in the park, but it's essential for coaches. Of course therapy is the place to do the BIG work on shame and coaching supervision can be a great place to address it in terms of how it is showing up in your work.
In the next post I’ll share some ways Supervision can help you tackle shame.
If you’re interested in Coach Supervision with me. Book a call and let’s see if we are a good fit.